Nicolas Cage Is A Vampire, Says Antique Photo Collector

Critics who describe Nicolas Cage’s acting as stiff and bloodless don’t know how close they are to the truth.

An antique photograph collector says he has discovered a Civil War-era image of Cage, and argues that the Oscar-winning actor is a vampire who has been alive for hundreds of years.

“Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, et cetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so,” says the owner, Jack Mord. “150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.”

Mord, who is selling the image on Ebay for a hefty tag of $1 million, says the photo is completely authentic.

“Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands,” Mord writes on the sale page.

Wait a second, you’re probably asking. If Cage is really immortal and has the ability to live for centuries without growing older, how is it that he’s aged so visibly over the last ten years?

“My theory,” explains Mord, “is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor ‘Nicolas Cage’ will ‘die’… but in reality, the undead vampire ‘Nicolas Cage’ will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over.

“From time to time somebody might mention to him that he bears a slight resemblance to the young version that dead American actor, whose name they can’t recall, but eventually, those occurrences will stop altogether.”

Cage, meanwhile, has yet to offer up an argument to the world that he is not an undead bloodsucker. Considering his performances in recent films, that might be easier said than done.